Helping those we love to find hope when they have left religion and have lost hope

“Hope is a story you tell yourself about something that hasn’t happened yet.”
(Mary Helen Immordino Yang)

Many of us have people in our lives who, for a variety of reasons, have given up on the idea that things will work out in the end. They might want to scream if we tell them that "all things work for the good…" They might tell us they have stopped believing in our leaders and our institutions, or they might say that they have moved away from religion and traditional belief systems because they are dissonant with the realities they see around them. Maybe they have suffered abuse within the church.

What do we do when someone we love, who has moved away from Christian faith, tells us they are feeling hopeless? First, I want to emphasize, that if a person is really at risk, a conversation with a friend or loved one will not provide the type of support they need. Below, we make recommendations for sources of professional help. 

People need sources of hope.

However, when confronted with someone you care about telling you they can’t find reasons to hope, we might immediately feel upset and want to fix the problem. People need sources of hope, so Christians might naturally want to start sharing about a God who loves them, hoping that this is reassuring.

We might pray for them. But are there other things that we can do to help a friend or loved one regain a sense of hope? We can’t just tell our depressed child that they need to feel hopeful because it is good for them. The lack of hopeful feelings reflects where they are in their life, their environments, and that they are having trouble accessing more traditional sources of hope. Open and curious conversations can, however, be a source of support.

Religion provides a belief system—a context and lens through which we view and make sense of the world and existential questions, such as the meaning of life, the afterlife, and our purpose in all of it. When someone leaves religion, they may begin to feel unmoored as they try to establish a new security-providing worldview.

An open and caring approach to conversation, in and of itself, can provide a source of hope.

So if we were to help them think about their values and how they imagine a “good life,” might that provide a source of hope that good things will come? Or perhaps helping them to accept that bad things happen and that we don’t get through life without suffering can be helpful. An open and caring approach to conversation, in and of itself, can provide a source of hope.

Hopelessness as an epidemic

A recent study reported in Harvard Institute of Politics that surveyed young adults, “Roughly 55 percent of Americans under 30 years old reported feeling 'nervous, anxious, or on edge' and 47 percent reported feeling 'down, depressed, or hopeless' at least several days in the last two weeks. These feelings seem to immobilize young people, and both young people and adults cope with these feelings by numbing with drugs and alcohol, over-eating, or engaging in other dangerous and unhealthy behaviors.  

In a world where many people have moved away from faith-based belief systems, where do we find sources of hope? For many who are losing their religion, they also lose beliefs that provides answers to the deep, pressing questions of life.

Who am I? What is the meaning of life? When I die, where will I go? Why is there suffering in the world? These existential questions continue to exist outside religion, and the human need for answers can contribute to a kind of existential anxiety, according to a new book, Done, by Daryl R. Van Tongeren, Ph.D. Many of the “dones”—those who are “done” with religion—are seeking new sources of hope in this sometimes hopeless world. 

We need some sort of spiritual connection to give us meaning beyond ourselves.

Searching for these answers, and realizing there might need to be a reworking of basic core values, can also contribute to this existential anxiety. Research shows that, ultimately, we need some sort of spiritual connection to give us meaning beyond ourselves—it is part of a healthy, strong belief framework.

What is hope and why is it good for us?

Hope is a virtue which includes an optimistic state of mind that involves a desire for something to happen, and a belief that good things will come. It can also be defined as an expectation of fulfillment or success.

Researchers have established that hope is good for us and can have many positive effects on our health and well-being, including:

• Emotional health: Hope can help us manage stress and anxiety, and increase positive emotions like courage and confidence. 
• Physical health: Hope can help reduce physical pain, and people with higher hope may have lower perceptions of pain. 
• Resilience: Hope is a key component of resilience, and can help us keep moving forward in difficult times. 
• Psychological well-being: Hope can improve psychological well-being, and can enhance the meaningfulness of our lives. 
• Healthy behaviors: Hopeful people are more likely to make healthy choices, like eating better or exercising. 
• Decision-making: Hope can lead to better decisions and actions, and can help us overcome adverse circumstances. 
• Physical response: Hope can be energizing, and can cause our heart rate to increase, our breathing to speed up, and our thinking to become clearer. 

What to do if you or someone you love feels hopeless

If you or someone you know is feeling extremely distressed or hopeless and needs to talk to a counselor, please call your nearest suicide prevention helpline. In the USA the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) will provide you with a skilled counselor.

If you are seeking and having trouble finding a longer term counselor, click here to find help in the USA, or Google well recommended therapy options near you.

People can find hope, even in the most dire circumstances.

If you or someone you love is seeking to regain hope, our research shows that people can find hope, even in the most dire circumstances, through these sources...

1. God or Transcendence: Even if someone has moved away from religion, they need a source of beyond-the-self hope. Sanctified hopes, where they are focused on pursuing God’s purposes either directly or indirectly, may not be an option for them if they have walked away from religious beliefs, but a source of beyond-the-self hope could come from beauty, or beliefs that we are part of something much bigger and we have a role to play in making things better. 
2. Ourselves: We can remind ourselves of our strengths and skills or ask someone to remind us if we can’t recollect them. We can reflect on past experiences of overcoming difficult situations or when we made even a small impact on another.
3. Family Support: Families help us to understand that we are loved and capable. In the best cases, our families are our home base, a safe place to return when we need nourishment and encouragement.
4. Teachers or Mentors: We need wise people who are ahead of us and whom we trust for advice and guidance.
5. Social support: We need more than just our families and teachers. We need a network that supports a hopeful view of life and values that are aligned with our own. This group provides a broader network, vision, and accountability.
6. Friends: Our friends go through life with us, supporting us, helping us to better understand what we believe, how we should act, and they encourage us to be brave when tough situations arise.

A PDF of the practice below is also available here.

Having the conversation—the power of being there.

Ask questions that can help our loved ones process their feelings.

While Christians believe in the hope that comes from Jesus Christ and the vision that God is working toward a fulfillment of all creation—a consummation—those who no longer believe in God might need other ways to regain hope in their lives. Research shows that mentors, family, and the broader community are vital to well-being. We need others to know us and accept us for who we are. We can also ask questions that can help our loved ones process their feelings and we can model how to live. 

Questions that promote hopeful conversations about existential thoughts: 

Who am I? 

• Tell me who you are at this moment. What are some ways you would describe yourself? 
• What are you good at? Can you recall when you were doing something that you liked so much you lost track of time? What was it? 
• What do you care about?  
• How are you similar and/or different from your parents? Siblings? Best friend?
• What influence do your peers have on how you see yourself?

What is the meaning of life? 

• At the end of your life, what would you like people to say about you? What kinds of contributions would you like to have made? How would you like people to talk about how you showed up for them? 
• How do you understand suffering in the world? How do you make sense of it? Do you think we have a responsibility to try to help others who are suffering? 
• Do you think humans were created for a purpose? 

Are we really fundamentally alone? 

• Who are the people who are most important to you? How much time do you spend with them each week? Tell me a little about what you talk about. Do you feel like they know you? Are you able to be truthful with them? 
• What are the things that get in the way of your ability to be fully open and honest with trusted friends or family?
• When you feel lonely, what are you most longing for? 
• Do you think it’s important for people to have values about how they treat other people? For example, do you think being honest is important? Do you consider other people’s values and ideas when you make decisions about your own life? 

When I die, where will I go? 

• Do you think humans have souls, or something in us that longs for spiritual connection? 
• What do you think happens to that part of us when we die? 

Figuring out how we want to live and create meaningful lives can direct people toward purpose.

Helping people to answer these existential questions can help them regain hope. Figuring out how we want to live and create meaningful lives can direct people toward purpose. A reassurance that feelings of happiness will return and that we can adopt practices to access positive emotions can help us become more resilient to suffering. Living in the present and experiencing a sense that we are all deeply interconnected can provide a profound source of hope.

Maybe it’s enough for humans to grow in ways that connect them and help them to feel like they can make a difference. Regaining a sense of agency—that we can do something to make things better—that is a source of hope profound enough that it might work to ease the hopelessness and anxiety so present among us. 

How do our environments help or hinder hope?

The environments we are consistently part of have a significant impact on our mental health, including our ability to develop healthy perspectives and feel hopeful about the future. If we feel stuck in an environment that is not a good fit for us—a job, school, relationships, living situation—we are much more likely to struggle with positive future thinking, especially if we feel we have no ability to change environments. Asking someone who is struggling to find hope about their daily environment can promote helpful conversation leading to identifying these situations and creating solutions and modifications that can promote more hope in their lives.

• What is your daily environment like? Is it a good fit for you? Does it make you happy? Peaceful? Fulfilled? Do you feel safe? Known? Accepted?
• If your environment is negatively impacting your life and ability to have hope, is it possible for you to change environments?
• If this is not currently possible, what agency—the ability to do something to make things better—do you have in your situation to improve it? 
• Are there any modifications, even small, that can be made to increase your quality of life and feelings of hope in your current environment?  

Can our inner narrator and ruminating thoughts impact hope?

We have heard it said that our thoughts create our reality. Practically speaking, if our thought life mainly revolves around gloom-ridden ruminations, we are going to have a very hard time accessing thoughts of hope. Our environment can often contribute to our ruminations. Being in environments that are a good fit and having people around us who love us as our authentic selves play significant roles in our lives.

Only we have the agency to control and direct our thoughts about our situations and to fulfill our individual purposes.

But neither our environments nor the people around us are perfectly suited to give us unrestricted access to feelings of hope. Only we have the agency to control and direct our thoughts about our situations and to fulfill our individual purposes. Asking questions to those who are searching for hope can help them discover thought patterns that may be blocking their path towards brighter thoughts.

• What thoughts do you often find yourself ruminating on? What kind of voice is telling you these stories? Is it kind? Is it critical?
• What values do you believe these stories represent?
• Are they things that are out of your control? Are there certain ones you have agency over?
• Can you identify sources of these ruminations? People? Media? Experiences?
• How can you rewrite or modify one or more of these stories in a positive way? Associating them with the value they represent is one way to rewrite a story to have more meaning.

Approach conversations with curiosity and humility

Approach their questions and semi-worked out beliefs with curiosity, humility and non-defensiveness.

Christians obviously ascribe to a certain set of beliefs and values. For many Christians, we can sometimes come across as though we know it all or, if someone is feeling hopeless, that we don’t have the right “type” of hope to offer them. When trying to help someone who no longer believes in the Christian faith (or God) to develop beliefs that provide a source of hope, it’s a good idea to approach their questions and semi-worked out beliefs with curiosity, humility and non-defensiveness. We can do this through active listening and by using some of the existential and practical questions just mentioned above to help them process their thoughts. 

Hope is always available, but not always accessible. When people we know and love walk away from religion, we can still help them develop a belief system that offers sources of hope, strength, and meaning. As we do so, we are living out love.

Part one and part two combined in this opinion were originally published by the Thrive Center. Republished with permission.

Pamela Ebstyne King, Ph.D. has worked with the Thrive Center for Human Development since its inception in 2011. In 2021, she was named executive director of the Thrive Center and continues to serve as the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science in Fuller’s School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. Dr. King’s work combines theology, empirical research, and community engagement to further understand what contexts and settings enable people to thrive.

Jilleen Westbrook, Ph.D. joined the staff of the Thrive Center for Human Development in 2022. She earned her Ph.D. in Economics from Claremont Graduate University and has taught at Temple University, University of Southern California (USC), and the Claremont Colleges. Her academic work involved empirical investigations of psychological effects on markets that result from policy decisions. Before joining, the Thrive Center, she worked as a consultant. Dr. Westbrook has long been interested in issues of faith and well-being, particularly in the practices that encourage mental, physical, and spiritual health.